Change isn't always good
by VeraN
Summary: Amy changes, but are all changes for the better? Based on the theme that change and chance are two different things. Please R&R. Thanks.
1. What's with Amy?

OK, so this is my first fic in AGES!  
I am actually in Germany right now, so I am really worried about my English, if you guys actually understand me. I hope you understand it, that it isn't too bad.  
Next thing I want to point out. I haven't seen Blue Heelers since…a long time. Since July last year, because I am in Germany. So, please, ignore everything that has happened since then, as I don't know. I don't know what has happened, so therefore, it hasn't happened. OK?  
Cool. We are all set.  
I started writing this fic not really knowing where I was heading, but I have a bit of an idea now. Emotions can do a lot of thigns to you.  
Let's save this, post it and see where I get to, with this fic.  
Hope you like it, and please give me ideas,feedback, what I could do with the next parts etc etc.

Thanks. D

---

"Today is the first day of the rest of your life", thought Amy, as she walked out of the Mount Thomas Police Station.  
The people know about who you are, what you are. They know your past, they know how, when, why, who, everything.  
Why did I let them in? Why did I let them know my secrets?  
Surely everyone is entitled to having secrets. People are allowed to have things in their past they want to forget, aren't they? I mean, look at them all. Tom, Susie, PJ, Jonesy, Kirby. Who knows what they are still hiding?  
Why didn't I just leave it, why couldn't I just forget about it?  
Why did I have to be the stupid person I am, and say something, let it slip?  
They just want to help you, said a voice in the back of her head. She immediately shut it out.  
People who say that are just trying to get your trust. No one knows what they are going to do after that.

Amy started off on the walk to her room in the pub totally oblivious to the things around her. She was dissolved in thought, wondering to herself.

_Gosh, you're such a weak one. Why do you have to let everything happen to you Amy? You're so stupid!_

She walked past the houses that she helped protect every day, and as soon as she got to the pub and opened the door, a horrible cloud of cigarette smoke escaped form the pub.  
Somehow that didn't annoy her quite so much anymore.  
It used to make her shiver, and hold her breath, as she hated smoke, but now she breathed it in, and thought about how nice it would be to walk over to a table and grab a cigarette from a man's hand and smoke it.

She had never smoked in her life, in fact, the whole time she was totally against it.  
But the thought of doing something new, something exciting, something _different. _

She was the same Amy for the last 30 years. Boring, predictable, same routine every day, just with a secret here and there.

As she walked through the bar, she heard the jolly laughs of PJ, and looked over at his table. He was sitting with Kirby and Susie. Alex had obviously just made a joke or something. The norm for him, making jokes over everything.  
Of course, she thought. Jonesy is still at the station. Or, at least he was when I left. Glancing at her watch, she realised just how late it had gotten. Seemed to have been only a few minutes.  
Some people say lonely, thougthful hours are long. But, it seems to be the opposite, she thought.

Jonesy must be trying to pull an all-nighter or something, trying to work on some case or another.  
But maybe he was trying to avoid someone.

She was about to walk past the table when Alex yelled out to her, asking if she wanted a drink.

She took another glance at her watch, figured that it was already late enough, she wouldn't be able to get to sleep without a drink anyway, and drinking with someone is a lot better than drinking in secret in your room.

_Gosh, why do you let yourself get open to these people? Why will you let them in? They already know too much! You are so dumb, so useless!_

About two weeks ago, she drunk so much that she passed out in her room. She drunk it _alone. _She hadn't thought of it as a drinking binge, she thought of it as a way to sleep.

Yeah, sleep. Sleep is what that's called.

She was so alone, so depressed. She couldn't handle anymore, she just needed something to black out the pain. Something to make her forget the crappy life she was living, the crappy things she had done, and let done to her.

"Whaddya want?" Alex asked, nudging her on the arm to sit down.  
She sat down, thought about it for a second and decided on something hard.  
"Vodka."  
Susie laughed.  
"Since when do you drink Vodka? I thougth the hardest thing you have ever touched has been beer?" She asked, intended politely, but coming out a little harsh.  
"Since forever. Since I said I want to drink Vodka" she retorted, harshly. Her face was a little screwed up, her hair was frizzled, from the countless times she had run her hand through her hair in her office, trying to figure out what was happening to her.

_You're changing Amy. Who are **you**? I don't even know you anymore. You are such a stupid useless girl now. You know nothing about how the world works._

"Would you like something to eat?" Asked PJ. "You didn't eat any lunch, you are probably hungry by now.  
He shot her a look of…what was that? Pity?  
"No, I'm not hungry."  
"Oh, you gotta eat something Ames." Susie encouraged.  
"Since when am I a baby, who needs to be encouraged to eat?" She shot back, imitating the tone that Susie had used a few moments earlier.

They all sat back then. No one said anything for a while, until Chris came with the Vodka, and automatically put it in front of Alex.  
Amy held up her hand and Chris realised that _Amy _wanted to drink it.  
"What's with you? You don't drink that stuff."  
"How come everyone is telling me who I am? How come you can't just leave me alone to make my own decisions, I am old enough, smart enough." Amy shouted, making the whole pub stare. She snapped up the drink, stood up, walked over to the stairs and stomped up them.

"What is up with her recently?" asked Chris, watching her in slienced awe.

---

Well, that is it for now. What do you think? What do you think should happen, and everything would be appreciated.

Did you understand it? What was good/bad?

Feedback appreciated muchly! D

Thanks a lot.

Vera


	2. The Day After The Night

Well, I got the next one finished because I had nothing better to do. Doesn't really help for my English when I have just been writing in German the whole time, and it doesn't help for my characterisation when I have just read a number of fics in another section, totally unrelated.  
Well, hope you like it, and, like always, please read and review, and forgive me for the lapse in time.

---

Amy stomped up to her room with the Vodka glass in her hand, being careful not to spill it, but at the same time to get fast away, from the people downstairs.  
She could hear their cheery laughter. Their senseless chatter. She could feel their carelessness. Being together is all that matters.  
Why don't I ever feel that, she asked herself.

Then she saw in her mirror.

_Look at you, you ugly whore. Your hair is so ratty, look at it. There is dandruff all through it, the colour looks like the colour of a mouse's hair, it is all oily and greasy, and the ends are totally ruined.  
And your face. Look at the marks of make-up used to cover up your horrible skin. The pimple scars are nearly bursting through the heavy layer of concealer and foundation. Your lips are so thin, and your eyes are the colour of a house's roof. Your eyes are covered in eye liner and mascara, and the mascara has run down, looking like you have been crying.  
You have a double chin, and when you smile the double chin is even more obvious. You should stop smiling, because that is when everyone sees it.  
You are so ugly._

She played with her hair for a while, seeing if it looked not quite so bad pulled up, or behind her ears. Nothing she did would change her mind about it though. She tried to clean away some of the mascara smudges, and tried to smile. A grimace came out.

After staring into the mirror for ages, she eventually realised she should move on. She wanted to cry at the sight of the person staring back, and she didn't even realise why.

Walking around her tiny apartment, she realised she didn't have anyone. No one loved her. No one would want to live with her, no one wanted to even work with her anymore.

It's true. They had all been avoiding working with her for the last few weeks.

She couldn't understand it, why. She asked the boss why they were avoiding her, why they didn't want to go do anything with her, finding suspects, but he just nodded it off. "Probably because they have to do other things Amy. Paranoia.

_Paranoia, paranoia, everybody's coming to get me. It is because they don't like you. They think you are ugly and stupid and boring. It isn't paranoia. He is just covering up for them._

Amy sat down on her bed and kipped down the Vodka. Gone. She took a look at the empty glass, and thought about going downstairs to return in to Chris.

Instead she reached under her bed, got out some scotch, poured it into her glass and drunk it.

The bottle was already half empty, and Amy hadn't had any visitors in a very long time. She drunk a few glasses more and got into bed.

She didn't eat anything, she wasn't hungry. She didn't even bother washing her face, or her skin. That would mean she would have to venture outside of her room. Going into the outside world is dangerous.

The world turned black as soon as her head touched the pillow on her bed. She didn't even realise that she knocked over the glass and bottle, thankfully shut.

---

Amy rolled over in bed, just about wanting to kill whoever had got into her bed and was talking to her. She was ready, with her sleepy arms held out, as if trying to choke someone already.

She opened her eyes slowly, trying to adjust them to the sunlight shining in through the half open window.

She cast her eyes throughout the room, waiting for her eyes to fall onto the sorry soul who was talking to her. Look around the room she saw no one. Then her eyes fell onto her alarm clock, and gave it an evil glare.

7am. Time to get up. She shut off the alarm clock by banging it on the top and rolled over, ready to go back to sleep. Time to go to sleep.

---

_Why don't these idiot's ever learn not to talk to me?_

She rolled back over and looked at her clock. She had obviously hit the snooze button, and twenty minutes later it had gone off.

Now she was going to be really late. Work starts at 8! Get up, get up!

With this enlightening realisation she jumped out of bed, relieved to be wearing her clothes already. She wasn't feeling hungry, so therefore she didn't need the time to eat breakfast. She decided she needed to get some fresh air, to wake her up.  
She put on her training clothes and went for a run in the cool morning air.

She pushed herself and pushed herself, like she did every other time she went running.

Every time, every time she would push and push. It is like a form of punishment. Had a bad day, go for a run. Push yourself. 10 kms is enough, to burn the fat out of your ski for the day Amy.

Every time when she got back, she was always so exhausted. She always wanted to collapse on her bed, eat something, drink, havea shower.

But, it is a form of punishment for her horrible life.

As soon as she got home, even though she was exhausted, she put on her clothes for work and headed back under, thorugh the pub. She put the glass on the bar, avoiding eye contact with Chris, and walked out the door, strolling in the direction of the station.

On the way there, it struck her.

_You are fat! No wonder your life is so horrible! You can't do anything right because your legs are so fat, and they wobble when you walk. Your belly sticks out, that is why you always wear those funny suits, in an attempt to cover it. Your backside probably jiggles when you walk. That's why no man is interested in you at all.  
__You're so stupid, how could you have not realised that before?_

When she got to the station she walked into her office and slammed the door. The whole station looked thorugh the glass windows, but she just turned her back on them and pretended not to see their stares on her back.

"Something isn't right with Amy lately Kelly" Susie said, worried about her fellow female employee.

---

Well, that is everything for now.

I am really into writing this story, I am actually enjoying it! Interesting character to write, this "new Amy."

Tell me what you think, what do you think should happen?

Anything that you say will be welcome!

Vera


	3. Getting Busy Again

Well, sorry about taking a little long. I wasn't here, I was skiing in Austria, which was great fun!

But now I am back, and enough with the excusues, I know how boring they are!

Hope you like the new installment, make sure to R&R.

Disclaimer: Don't own any of the characters, except for Sofia.

---

Amy sat at her desk, completely fuming. The weird thing was, she was angry at herself.

Life would be so much greater if you looked a little better Amy. The problem is that you are too fat, and your whole head is so ugly!

If you didn't let them in, they wouldn't know about you, your past, who you are, what you are, what a horrible person you are.

There are too many criminals on the streets because you let them all stay on the streets, with your incompetence. You are at fault, because you didn't work a little harder and faster.

Life would be so much better if you weren't here, if you looked different and had a little more enthusiasm with your work.

Amy sighed and looked back to her paperwork, which had been left there by the boss.

"Unsolved- Break and Enter"

"Unsolved- Car Theft"

"Unsolved- Claim of being stalked"

Amy looked at all the unsolved cases and started to feel a little bad, that she hadn't even been able to solve hem. They seem so straight forward.

Maybe it is because you aren't smart enough, and don't put enough effort into your job.

"Unsolved- rape"

That is what hit her. That must hurt, not knowing. Not having punishment.

Exactly like Amy had been hurting, and she decided to go full out on this case, trying to solve it, with all her energy.

She sprung up from the table, not having drunk her coffee, and went into the office, grabbing Susie on her way out.

"Hey, what are we doing?" Susie questioned curiously, being led to the car by Amy.

"Going to question that rape victim from last month", Amy said, straightforward.

She hopped into the car, not even waiting for Susie to put on her seatbelt, and drove off.

"Amy, are you feeling OK?" Susie asked quietly. "I have been really worried about you lately. You hardly seem to eat or drink anymore, you don't talk to us like you used to, you always look like you haven't slept, or totally exhausted, and you always seem to be in a bad mood. Is something up?"

"I am OK, I haven't been feeling quite right the last few days, that's all" she said defensively, trying to avoid the guiltiness of lieing.

Susie nodded, as if to show that she understood, and she left it at that.

But she knew that there wasn't something right with her, and it wasn't just a cold, it was something much more. Ever since the case with her Uncle she hadn't talked or socialised, or eaten much.

And that was over a week ago, what had she been surviving on the whole time?

How was she getting the energy for these things, and why has she become so secretive all the time?

These questions were flotaing around in Susie's head, and she was still trying to work out the answer when Amy pulled up to the girl's house. The rape victim.

"What do you want?", she asked, wearing a sullen expression, half closing the door on the officers.

She was only 16 years old, wearing a face that looked like she was about 30. Something had aged her in the last month.

Before they had anything to do with her, they had seen her. She was at a Blue-Light Disco in the high school. She was innocent, pretty, pure.

Then that night someone decided to…do it.

She was wearing a smallish black t-shirt, with a peace sign on it. Her loose pants were a little bit ripped, with a belt around her hips to hold them up. She also had a necklace on, a cross. The sign of a religion. She looked gurngy, with her black eye make-up a little smeared, and her clothes a little dirty, but it seemed to suit her, that look.

"We would like to talk to you again Sofia, about last month", Amy said matter-of-factly, ignoring the fact that the girl was eyeing her suspiciously, as if she had changed so much in the last month.

"Well, my parents are here, and I don't want them to see us talking, because…you know. But, I might be able to go for a walk in a few minutes, if you want to meet in the park?" she said.

Susie looked at Amy, wondering if she was going to accept this offer or not. Amy said yes at once, gave the girl a smile and walked down the steps again.

Once she got to the bottom she turned on Susie, asking her questions, like how the girl seemed to be going.

"I think she looked a little tired, like she hadn't been sleeping, or eating properly. Like someone else I know." She said truthfully.

"Yeah, and we are not going to bring your ideas into this case" Amy stated, turning away and walking towards the car.

---

Well, thought I would end it here, because it seems like a nice place to stop for now.

Hope you liked it, and if you have any ideas, you know the drill!

Thanks,

Vera


End file.
